Last week I posted on my Facebook page “Life is handing me a lot of lemons right now. I think I’m going to throw them in vodka.”

It’s true. This week’s post was supposed to be about self care (and that one is still coming), but other things have happened that need to be addressed.

Life keeps handing me fucking lemons. In normal circumstances, I love lemons. Right now, I’d like to punch lemons square in the junk.

First, was the slap in the face that I won’t be able to return to school in the fall. Awesome. I am hoping that I can get in for spring semester, if financial aid goes through and I can find a reliable sitter for a couple of hours a week for Sawyer. I was so excited to go back to school come fall. I have waited and waited on this, and was so ready to take the leap. It’s so deflating when we can’t get to where we want to be.

Last week brought an end to our last round of natural fertility treatments. We have already spent more than we should have, and we can’t afford anything else. I can’t ask people to be any more generous than they already have been. I’ve been given far too much as it is. I could go through another round of invasive testing (blood tests, ultrasounds, biopsies, the one where they shoot dye in your Fallopian tubes….which are also expensive, and I just finished paying off the LAST round from a year ago) but you know what? I DON’T WANT TO. I don’t want dye shot through my Fallopian tubes, I don’t want an ultrasound. They tell me absolutely nothing. Why should I pay hundreds upon hundreds of dollars to be told once again that there is nothing medically wrong with me?

I have spent the last 3.5 years treating my posts on fertility like how Ted Mosby talks to his kids about how he met their mother. That this long, winding road would one day lead to a beautiful, bittersweet story I could tell to my eventual child. I really thought this would be it. I really thought all of this would work. I have exhausted myself and everyone around me trying everything in my power to make this happen. It’s time to throw those lemons in the vodka and get shitfaced because that’s all there’s left to do.

At last year’s MommyCon I had so many wonderful women come up to me and tell me that by next year’s event I would be pregnant— I’m not. I’m not going to be, either. I am ten days into a new cycle and still bleeding profusely. My body is making itself very clear- NOTHING IS GOING TO INHABIT THIS WOMB OTHER THAN CRAMPS.

I do, in so many ways, feel like such an utter failure. I have failed myself, my family, all of those people who have so generously helped me. I have failed all of you who have waited patiently for me to post the news of Hipster #2. So, to all of you- I am sorry. I’m sorry that I can’t suck it up and go through with more testing and stress my family financially with more procedures. I’m sorry that this didn’t work out the way that all of us wanted.

For the first time in the past 3.5 years, I’m actually listening to my asshole uterus, as I lovingly call her. As much as I (we) want this for my family, my body doesn’t.  So, it’s time to stop putting myself through all of this. It does absolutely nothing.

It is time to start living my life and stop pining for a life that I can’t have. I have no idea what that means for this blog. I thought I’d have so many things to write about because I’d have a new child to experience pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, etc with. I hope that you will all stay along with me into the journey of who the fuck knows. I can promise three things- 1) I will always be real and honest 2) I will always be an advocate for moms and babies 3) BURLESQUE!

P.S. – Please don’t feel sorry for me. Please don’t tell me that it will happen. I am not fine, but I will be. I have a 100% success rate at surviving shitty days. I’ll get through it. 

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