Haunted

First of all, I would like to start out this post by saying that I hate that I have to write it.SONY DSC

But I do.

Because I’m haunted.

Haunted by the ghost of a baby that doesn’t, and probably never will, exist. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true. Every single day I am haunted by unexplained secondary infertility and its effects. Haunted by the whispers and pitied looks from those around me. Haunted by those who have turned their backs on me through all of this.

Everything has become a struggle. It’s harder to go to work. Being around pregnant women physically hurts me at this point. Sawyer growing up is more bittersweet than ever. Each “first” that passes is a reminder that I will most likely never get to experience those things again. I will probably never: feel the kicks and wiggles of a baby from the inside, birth another baby in peace and strength, nurse another baby, snuggle another baby to sleep in the stillness of the night- with only the sounds of their little breath and the breeze, I’ll probably never have another first birthday party or welcoming ceremony.

“But, but, you never know! Just stop trying! It will happen!” I have heard this words more times than I can count over the past three years, and here I am- just the same. No round belly, no baby in my arms. Of course, anything is possible- but with the amount of time that has passed, and all of the effort we’ve put into this with no return- it just doesn’t seem realistic to think that we will be adding another person to our family. This isn’t a time to give advice or ask what I’ve done. If you read this blog, you already know those answers. It’s just about reflection. How much we’ve changed, how far we’ve come. I’m weathered, weary, and a little bit broken. I tried and I failed. I couldn’t study or practice my way out of this. I couldn’t get the job done. Every comment of, “Oh, he’s your ONLY one?” stings with failure. The ghost never lets me forget that.

Even if we chose to just move on, even if we decide on our own that being a family of 3 is how we will stay- it’s all still there. Everything we’ve gone through, all of the pain, anger, and sadness we’ve felt- it doesn’t go away. It just hides itself in the shadows, waiting for you to let your guard down. So you peek around corners and keep your hands and mind busy so it can’t grab hold. But it’s still there. After all of the tests, and months (YEARS, actually) of trying, this “condition” truly is a ghost following me around. It’s always there. Always hovering, but only I can see it.

Most of all, though, I’m haunted because I literally FEEL like there is supposed to be someone else here with us. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t catch myself looking for another person, another child, that I feel like I am forgetting. Of course, though, it’s all in my head. There’s no second baby. There’s only the unfulfilled hopes and dreams of the baby that only exists in my mind. The music I’ll never get to play during the birth, the story I’ll never get to write, the clothes they’ll never wear, the cheeks I’ll never kiss.

Just the ghost.

 

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6 comments
Cassie
Cassie

This brought tears to my eyes since I went through all of this for 3 years... but without the first baby :( I am terrified we will have to go through it again.

Niki
Niki

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you didn't actually "lose" a baby, but at the same time you sort of have. You are mourning the expectation and the hope. You are mourning who you thought that baby might be and everything that goes along with that. I feel you should be so kind and so patient with yourself during this time and do not for one second feel that you "shouldn't" be mourning or acknowledging that abscence.

Katie
Katie

Secondary infertility is so hard. When people ask why there are five and half years between my sons, I have to bite my tongue and avoid snapping "there were 4 miscarriages in the middle." I will never ever tell anyone to "just relax". That's garbage and my husband and I hated it when people said that. Still, I will hope that you get a surprise down the line. 5.5 years age gap was sorta like starting all over again, but now we wouldn't want it any different.

Nana
Nana

first of all, i love your blog! i'm too haunted by the ghost of a baby daughter. i just found out that i have two autoimmune disorders: Graves disease and Hashimoto's thyroiditis. they are metabolic disorders that attack the thyroid and causes infertility, miscarriage, and birth defects. i know you've probably done all the tests, but if you haven't had your thyroid levels checked, i would have your doctor do so. (just a thought, not trying to be nosy or hurtful) i content myself with the thought that families come in all sizes and two (me and the hubby) is (will be) enough. i'm the best "aunt" ever to my girlfriends' children and to my nieces and nephews. hang in there darling. people are so hard on women to be the "right" kind of mother or a mother at all. its so brutal and totally unnecessary.

Evy Diaz
Evy Diaz

I'm so sorry! I can't imagine anyone more deserving than you. I also can't imagine what teaching your class makes you feel. Naturally I want to say all those things you arent suppose to say, but I won't. I will leave you with this though, if it hadnt been for your amazing class, your uplifting spirit, and tremendous knowledge for all things "granola" this first time mama would not have the confidence to embark upon this journey. I cannot tell you the impact you have made on our lives and I truly hope you continue to do so with others. We love and miss you!

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