It’s been a month since I last posted, and before that it was 4 months. Part of this is due to me getting used to writing again. I hadn’t done it in so long, it became very easy to just stop doing it. However, there’s also another reason… it’s the Fall Out.
For the past 4 months (well really, the past 4 YEARS) I have been grieving. I battled with whether or not I should continue this blog, and if I even WANTED to continue it. But I do, because I believe that my story is one that needs to be told, in all it’s unfinished, raw glory. So here it is.
I am never going to have another child.
There. I said it. Throughout my stint with Unexplained Secondary Infertility, I have gone through all of the typical stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) and come out the other end.
There’s no way I can’t get pregnant, I got pregnant by total accident last time! We just have to keep going. It’s just not the right time. It’s going to happen, it HAS to happen. I am perfectly healthy, so why wouldn’t I be able to have another boring, healthy pregnancy?
I’M BACK! My hiatus will be fully explained later this week, but for now………
Do you feel beautiful? Who makes you feel beautiful? Does it come from within? Does it come from the validation of others? What IS beauty?
If you read this blog regularly and/or follow me on Twitter and Facebook, you know I struggle deeply with my own self image, particularly since I have gained 25 pounds in the past 18ish months. Burlesque has helped immensely, but insecurities about my body are ever-present. Changing how I feel about myself isn’t going to happen overnight. I work every second of every day to be more positive……and then this happened.
“Mommy, I love your floppy boobies and your big, soft tummy.”
We all need it, but do we actually DO it? Probably not as much as we should. When Sawyer was small, I was horrible at self care. I would often find myself starving at 2pm, only to remember that I hadn’t actually EATEN anything. No wonder I was so skinny when he was a baby, I was starving myself! I lived on coffee, protein bars, and baby scraps. On top of this, I was also a very active doula so I really, really didn’t take good care of myself.
Last week I posted on my Facebook page “Life is handing me a lot of lemons right now. I think I’m going to throw them in vodka.”
It’s true. This week’s post was supposed to be about self care (and that one is still coming), but other things have happened that need to be addressed.
Life keeps handing me fucking lemons. In normal circumstances, I love lemons. Right now, I’d like to punch lemons square in the junk.
First, was the slap in the face that I won’t be able to return to school in the fall. Awesome. I am hoping that I can get in for spring semester, if financial aid goes through and I can find a reliable sitter for a couple of hours a week for Sawyer. I was so excited to go back to school come fall. I have waited and waited on this, and was so ready to take the leap. It’s so deflating when we can’t get to where we want to be.
This past Saturday, I had the pleasure of speaking on the Birth Panel at MommyCon Chicago for the second year in a row!
What is MommyCon? Well, this is what they have to say about themselves: “MommyCon is a boutique style convention dedicated to bringing modern parents and mothers-to-be together. Our focus is on natural and organic parenting methods and timeless tidbits as we journey through parenthood together. Our seminars and workshops include; babywearing, birth, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, car seat safety, natural health and medicine, baby gear, childproofing and so much more!”
I had the privilege of speaking with Erica Hagerman who is one half of the Doula Squad Chicago and Jo Greep of Jo Greep Childbirth. We were tasked with fielding audience questions about birth, childbirth education, doulas, home birth, birth centers, and more. This year, the discussion was pretty much dominated by home birth questions, which is so, so awesome! I love seeing more and more women exploring the possibility of birthing at home. After all, it is where the vast majority of humans have been born throughout history!
When you think about yourself, what age do you think you are? How do you picture yourself looking? I always think of myself as 23 and still a size 4. Except now I am 3o and a size 10. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think “Who the hell is that?! Why is her face so chubby? Do I know her?”
Basically, the mirror and the memory don’t match up. I have gained about 25 pounds in the last 18 months and can’t seem to get any of it off. A few pounds will drop here and there, but no matter what I eat or how hard I work out, it stays. It’s been an extremely difficult adjustment for me as a person both emotionally and financially- I had to buy all new clothes! Our bodies don’t totally mature until we’ve had a baby, especially our breasts, and so many changes we don’t expect happen. Other than quite a few stretch marks, my body didn’t change much until Sawyer weaned at 38 months. When that happened, I gained a bunch of weight, my hips and thighs got bigger, and my face got rounder. It was really, really difficult to deal with, and still is. I’m getting to know this new body of mine. I often don’t recognize myself if I catch my reflection in passing.
I hear this crap all the time. Don’t say this shit, guys. Seriously.
I have been trying for another baby (of any gender, I don’t care. Not one bit, two boys would be awesome) for over 3 years. I have done everything in my power and then some to try to get pregnant. It just isn’t happening. Just because I have a 4 year old and he’s my only child doesn’t mean that I don’t want more- that I haven’t been trying for another. Also, why do I need to have 1 of each gender? What’s wrong with having all boys or all girls?
“Pregnancy/childbirth was so bad you had to stop at one, huh?”
It has taken me a long time to accept this fact. I was raised in a crazy, dysfunctional household full of unstable yellers. I hate to think that I have that in me, but I do.
My first instinct when someone upsets me is to yell in their face or smack them across it. I certainly don’t do the latter, and I try my best not to yell. However, it takes everything in me to NOT act that way. It’s all I know. Even now, it’s all my family does. (Which is the #1 reason why I have distanced myself from them as much as possible.) When you are attempting to be a gentle parent, this isn’t exactly easy.
Every single time I say, “I’m going to be a better blogger!” something happens and I am knocked on my ass and can’t blog for weeks. For my 30th birthday, it was influenza B.
First off, due to this experience I would like to figuratively (not LITERALLY) slap anyone who has ever said they had “the flu” when they clearly did not. Real influenza is no joke, I’m 2 weeks into it, and definitely on the mend (and long past contagious, thankfully), but I am still not doing great. I am exhausted doing the easiest of tasks, and have pretty much zero strength or appetite.