We are pressing the pause button on our baby making efforts. After 2 1/2 years, a dozen doctors, a gazillion tests, and no real answers, I’m spent. I just need a damn break.
I’ve been playing around with this idea for months now and yesterday was the final straw. I started feeling this way a few months ago and decided that I was going to stop all my supplements and see how my body reacted. Not much happened. Then, this past cycle, I just couldn’t get it up to actually temp, test, and do everything. So I didn’t.
Then, yesterday I got my period and then shortly thereafter got a call from the most recent fertility doctor that I had seen saying that was being dropped from care for refusing IVF and other measures. His words were, “I have a waiting list and you are taking a spot away from someone who actually wants help to have a baby.” I had made it very clear from the second that I went to his office that I was there for diagnostic purposes, in case there was something the others missed- and that IVF and IUI were not options for us. I don’t have tens of thousands of dollars for ONE round of IVF- and statistically it takes 3 to be successful. I don’t need Clomid. I ovulate. I have good egg quality. Adequate lining. Because they have no answers, they just throw things at me. When I ask why, they say, “Well, what do you want me to say? Nothing is wrong that I can find, but you’re not pregnant. So just start Assisted Reproductive Therapy.”
I thought my experiences with OBs in pregnancy were degrading and belittling- they don’t even hold a candle to what I’ve been told from REs and OBs about my “unexplained secondary infertility.” Everything from “Just go home and drink some wine- you’ll get pregnant.” to “You obviously don’t really want another child if you are refusing to do x,y,z procedure.” The fact that these “care providers” can be so unbelievably condescending and cold is beyond me. Don’t they understand that the people they see are in such pain already? That they are sad and in desperate need of answers- any answers?
Needless to say I spent 99% of yesterday crying. That, coupled with some other jerky people, completely ruined my day more than it already had been ruined. I called Mr. Hipster and said between sobs, “I can’t do this any more. I CAN’T. I NEED A BREAK. I’M DONE.” I kept saying over and over, “I never thought this would be our story. I never thought this would be what happened to us.” I think every couple struggling to conceive has felt the same way. Especially those who had no trouble conceiving the first (or second) time around.
So, we talked it over, and a break is happening. Right now it is for the summer, but I am leaning towards it being
indefinite. Of course, I can (and probably will) change my mind at some point. At some point in time, I’ll be ready to try this all again. I want to take this summer to get back to be ME. To take my Burlesque classes, go to the gym, go out with my girlfriends, and just HAVE FUN. I packed away all of the OPKs, the ferning scope, the pregnancy tests. I have a blood test this cycle, so I still need to temp, but after that, it’s getting put away, too. It was so liberating to kiss that shit goodbye, even just for the summer.
We started this journey when Sawyer was 14 months old. He’s now 3.5 months shy of being 4 years old. We’ve been on this journey for most of his life- so much so that for most of his existence I have been focused on making us a family of FOUR. I’m starting to be at peace with the fact that we are a family of three. A beautiful, healthy, happy family of three. It’s time to enjoy us. Just as we are.